The Oklahoma Daily

Photo Credit: Albert Lee | Daily Texan Staff

Editor’s Note: In the spirit of the University of Texas’ friendly rivalry with the University of Oklahoma, the editorial boards of The Daily Texan and The Oklahoma Daily have exchanged editorials. The Red River Rivalry, or the Red River Showdown, as it is now officially known, is played every October in the neutral meeting ground of Dallas and is a time-honored tradition that brings out both the best and, some would say, worst in Texas and Oklahoma football fans. In anticipation of Saturday’s game, both editorials are running in Austin and Norman today. To read the editorial written by The Oklahoma Daily editorial board, click here.  

Regardless of the time you’re reading this, Texas still sucks.

We know Sooners are looking forward to watching the Longhorns flounder on the football field Saturday, much like their slow-moving, cud-chewing mascot Bevo, the sanctimonious cow. 

Besides, by the time Saturday rolls around, UT probably won’t have enough players on its roster to field a full team because head coach Charlie Strong will have kicked them all off.

You know what they say: Everything is bigger in Texas, including the football losses. Sure, we lost to TCU last week but at least we haven’t gotten destroyed two years in a row by an out-of-conference Brigham Young University team, including a near shut-out at home in September.

At this point, we aren’t sure the Longhorns fully know how to play football. For example, they screwed up the opening coin toss in their home loss to UCLA, one of the most fundamental skills for any football player. 

It’s almost too easy to poke fun at Texas this year. When UT’s own coach refers to the BYU loss as “… an embarrassment to this program, it’s an embarrassment to this university,” it makes our job a lot easier.

However, we have to thank UT quarterback Tyrone Swoopes for giving us the laugh of a lifetime by claiming he fully expects Texas to still make the playoffs this season. Swoopes, you have got to be kidding. But then again, a bloated sense of entitlement seems to be a prerequisite for being a Longhorn. 

UT’s 2-3 record puts it near the bottom of the Big 12, and the Longhorns’ only wins this season are over the University of Kansas — the running joke of our conference — and the University of North Texas. Granted, five of the top-10 ranked college football teams lost last weekend, but it’s still going to take near-perfection to earn one of the four coveted playoff spots, a far cry from UT’s losing record.

Really, Texas, it’s almost sad. UT has the richest athletic program in the country, but money clearly can’t buy a tradition of winning. Texas spent nearly $13 million and developed a literal task force to bring in Charlie Strong, and the team is still losing to nonconference opponents.

Strong is known as a no-nonsense authoritarian, and in a preseason speech to Texas high school football coaches, Strong said he planned to put the “T back in Texas.” In reality, this season UT seems to be putting the “T” back in tanking. Sorry Charlie, but some things, like UT football, are just beyond repair.

We aren’t worried about the Sooners cruising to a handy victory over UT on Saturday. The team in crimson and cream in Dallas on Saturday will be an entirely different beast than last year’s overconfident squad. Don’t believe us? During his time as OU’s head coach, Bob Stoops has never lost a revenge game.

Texans probably don’t know how to say OU running back Samaje Perine’s name now, but we doubt they’ll ever forget it after Saturday. We aren’t opposed to all of Texas’ traits, though. As the state sign commands, we’ll be sure to “drive friendly — the Texas way” right into the end zone over and over again. 

The only thing that could further cinch an OU victory would be if the game was played in Norman, but we understand Longhorns are too afraid to make that trip up north. Longhorn logic says the game is played in Dallas because the Lone Star State is better than Oklahoma, but we’re pretty sure it has everything to do with OU’s 87-5 winning home record under Stoops.

Not to mention, OU has this little thing called Sooner magic. Longhorns can doubt it all they want, but the Sooner faithful believe in their team no matter what. UT’s bandwagon fan base, on the other hand, is more flaky and fair-weather than tried and true. Don’t worry; OU fans will be enjoying Bevo burgers as Longhorn “fans” evacuate the Cotton Bowl en masse when the Sooners take the lead on Saturday.

Photo Credit: Albert Lee | Daily Texan Staff

Editor’s Note: In the spirit of the University of Texas’ friendly rivalry with the University of Oklahoma, the editorial boards of The Daily Texan and The Oklahoma Daily have exchanged editorials. The Red River Rivalry, or the Red River Showdown, as it is now officially known, is played every October in the neutral meeting ground of Dallas and is a time-honored tradition that brings out both the best and, some would say, worst in Texas and Oklahoma football fans. In anticipation of Saturday’s game, both editorials are running in Austin and Norman today. To view the editorial written by The Oklahoma Daily editorial board, click here

It’s that time of year already, the week when we pause to remember that there’s a rogue band of hill people roaming around on the other side of the Red River. 

Last year you came to Dallas undefeated and full of hope. We really thought you had the pieces to make a championship run. Your quarterback had a cool nickname, “Belldozer,” like some off-brand Transformer whose special power is throwing INTs. Your defensive backs were running around pretending they were sharks like some pee-wee soccer team. It was adorable.

But somehow we still managed to beat you. Even with his head-coaching death rattle, Mack Brown was able to hand your school its biggest embarrassment since the 2013 graduating class. 

We weren’t even really trying that hard. Seriously, the MVP was Case McCoy, who didn’t even joke about trying to go to the NFL. That’s right, this time last year you got schooled by a guy who we’re pretty sure is currently selling Cutco knives or something.

But really, are y’all even trying to keep us interested? Your fans can’t even get our hand gesture right. It’s sad looking over to the South End Zone halfway through the second quarter to see that your Hook ‘Em Horns is already drooping downward. And a little strange, since we always figured Sooner men would have exceptionally strong wrists. 

It’s like you’re losing focus. You already lost to TCU, probably because Trevor Knight was too busy sexting Katy Perry. At least we can enjoy her career for these last few days before she becomes an Okie, moves to Norman and starts hanging out at T. J. Maxx.

Now we’re not perfect, we know. We’ve taken our share of hits during a tough rebuilding year, though we’re optimistic. Sure, we lost to BYU, but they have God on their side. You guys just have the Devil, or “Barry Switzer,” whatever he’s calling himself nowadays.

Moving on, though, in light of your school’s refusal to live up to even the most modest of expectations, we’ve decided to go ahead and handicap this game ourselves. You may have noticed we’ve already kicked off several players, including former starters. Just in case that’s not enough, Coach Strong has promised that if we’re still winning at halftime he’ll pull Tyrone Swoopes and let Tony Romo play quarterback. If we go up by 14, he’ll let Big Tex start calling the plays. 

The times really are changing. Coach Strong has brought a new dawn on the 40 Acres. We’re proud to see him enforce his five core values: honesty, treating women with respect and no drugs, stealing or guns. Which means if he were your coach, he’d kick the Ruffnecks out of the program, but he’d have to do it respectfully.

But there is a fundamental difference between our two football programs. When two former Longhorn players were accused of sexaully assaulting a woman, Strong immediately kicked them off the team. After Dorial Green-Beckham and Joe Mixon were accused of battering young women, you gave them scholarships. Actually, it makes a lot more sense now why your local press was comparing Mixon to a young Adrian Peterson last spring.

Face it, your Standards and Compliance office is about as reliable as Sam Bradford’s knees. What do the signs read at the OU Practice Facility? Give us your poor, your tired, your felonious position players with remaining eligibility?

Regardless of your school’s moral code, or lack thereof, we still have a game to play on Saturday. Deep down, there’s a part of us that still feels like embarrassing you on national television. Guess old habits die hard.

We live in a tumultuous period in our nation’s history. From ISIS to the Russians, the news is full of troubling headlines and apocalyptic threats. Wait, sorry, you don’t follow the news, so let us contextualize. Imagine they were going to cancel “Mike and Molly.” Scary, right?

America needs some reassurance that there’s still some good in the world. America needs Texas to beat OU. 

Wait, you don’t think OU is awful? Well, not sure how best to explain this, but you are. We’d rather spend six hours stuck on the tarmac after a Delta flight than attend OU. Matthew McConaughey will actually convince someone to buy a Lincoln before you get us to believe your state isn’t a Roosevelt-era government works projects designed to attract and retain simpletons, like a fly trap, but with more half-finished GEDs. Oklahoma is what “Deliverance” would be like if it were set in a gas station bathroom.

Just how truly awful is Oklahoma? I-35 North is the only time we’ve ever muttered “Thank God” upon seeing a “Welcome to Kansas” sign.

Lastly, the Texas Department of Transportation has issued a warning that there may be delays this weekend because of highway construction, so be advised that OU still sucks.

<em>Editor’s note: Each year before the Red River Rivalry, The Daily Texan exchanges editorials with OU’s student newspaper, The Oklahoma Daily.<em/>

<strong>OU sucks<strong/>

by The Daily Texan Editorial Board

If you are reading this, congratulations. You’ve already surpassed what we thought to be the mental capacity of an OU student.

We at The Daily Texan think it’s just adorable that your football team would care to play us once again despite losing four out of the past five seasons.

While A&M is our disappointing little brother, always trying so hard but laughably failing to be significant, we feel that your university is more akin to our awkward uncle — he used to be really buff in the 1980s when he was taking steroids but is now a shell of his former self, constantly asking others to pull his finger for attention.

I’ll level with you — we’ve never really taken the time to consider the idea of Oklahoma, so we figured we’d just Google it. What we found was a Broadway play and a bunch of public urination arrest warrants.

We would comment on the inferiority of the members of your team individually, but we can’t seem to think of any of note. Plus, we hate to criticize our fellow Texans.

Regardless, we don’t understand why you feel so much hostility toward our school — after all, we did send Kevin Durant on a mission trip to Oklahoma City to attempt to make your state relevant. God bless his charitable heart.

It’s just not in our nature to be combative. Longhorns are lovers, not fighters. After all, Men’s Health Magazine recently named Austin the most sexually active city in America. We tried to find Norman on the list, but then we realized farm animals weren’t accounted for in the study.

We feel it’s unnecessary to constantly hold your horns downward while playing against other teams, regardless of how flattering we may find it. It’s a cute gesture to always symbolize your status below us in the conference rankings, but the obsessive acknowledgment of our superior university isn’t necessary. Plus, we already get plenty of media exposure as it is, as you will learn once “television” finds its way to Oklahoma.

Really, it’s not that we hate OU or anything; we’re just hurt that your state has yet to issue an apology to the nation for producing Toby Keith. Shame on you.

I suppose this is the part where we compare the world-class academics at the University of Texas to whatever you have at OU. We could discuss the breakthrough research done in Austin, the competitively-selected student body or the dozens of nationally renowned programs at our university, but this would all be a waste of time. Comparing the quality of education at UT-Austin to the University of Oklahoma would be like pitting Heidi Klum against a microwave in a beauty contest.

We’re sure you’ll poke fun at our disappointing loss to UCLA last weekend. Perhaps the toughest part of the upset is that it ended our 36-week streak of being ranked in the top 10. Admittedly, our fans took the defeat pretty hard. We wish we could have taken it in stride like your fan base does, but we just aren’t used to losing big games. As sad as we are, we realize all streaks must end. After all, y’all won a bowl game last year.

Honestly, we’re sure that you’re all kind, hard-working individuals, but this simply does not detract from the fact that on an empirical level, you suck.

Good luck at the game and hook ‘em horns!

Love always and forever and ever,
The Daily Texan

<strong>No we don't<strong/>

by The Oklahoma Daily Editorial Board

We would like to extend our sincerest condolences to you, University of Texas.

While we relished in UCLA’s 34-12 utter stompdown of your usually decent football team, we couldn’t help but feel a little sorry for you.

There’s no doubt we’ve had our own problems and many of our players are still inexperienced, but there’s a crucial difference: We’ve won all of our games this year.

What happened, Texas? When the underdog comes biting, you roll over and die like a little punk-ass bitch?

Please don’t die on us like that Saturday; at least make it a good game.

We love the Red River Rivalry. It sucks a little bit because we have to go to Texas, but at least the game is a lot of fun to watch, because no matter who wins, both teams are often on the same level of play.

During the previous decade, the games have usually been within 10 to 20 points, providing some great entertainment — besides our 2000 and 2003 thrashings we delivered to you — 63-14 and 65-13, respectively — those games just got old.

So please, UT, make our forced exodus to your cesspool of a state worth it, because there’s really no other reason to be there.

Here are just a few developments out of your state that prove it could be fairly titled the “scrotum of America.”

Take the Texas State Board of Education, which wants to replace public school teachers with little “Führers.”

The board’s latest attempt to reshape history to fit its xenophobic worldview is its approval to strike out “pro-Islam” biases in world history textbooks.

The resolution says textbooks that devote more lines to Islamic beliefs and practices than to Christian ones should no longer be used.

Yes, we remember finding ourselves strangely willing to convert to Islam after reading about the Ottoman Empire in Glencoe’s world history textbook.

Come on Texas, how could you let Islam gain an edge over our nation’s dominant religion? In place of the lines about Islam, Texas ought to add more about Christianity’s brutal smackdown of Islam during the Crusades. That way, students will know whose God is tougher. No other time period displays Christianity’s superior status. As Jesus said, “Let he who is without sin kick the first ass.”

You wouldn’t think Texas would have such a bigotry problem, given the fact that UT only accepts the top 10 percent of high school graduates. But this elitist mindset just fuels the state’s blatant “brain drain” problem.

Obviously, this doesn’t stop the best and brightest from fleeing the state in droves, leaving only those who ought to readily admit their KKK membership.

Still not convinced you live in hell incarnate? Your very own state Sen. Eliot Shapleigh, D-El Paso, has even admitted Texas is the worst state in the nation.

In his report, generously titled “Texas on the Brink” (we would’ve preferred “Texas – What Else Could You Expect?”), Shapleigh gives a few statistics on your state’s utter failure at existence. Here are a few favorites:

-No wonder your state education blows — teacher pay ranks 49th in the nation.

-How’s that abstinence-only education working out for you? At least 80,050 teen moms, reported by the Guttmacher Institute in 2004, no longer believe storks deliver babies. Congratulations, you rank first in the nation in teen pregnancy!

-Democracy? Why bother? Citizens of Texas don’t have any hope that things will change: The number of registered voters who actually vote is last in the nation. And Texas ranks third in the nation for number of convicted public officials.

-Obamacare won’t kill your citizens; Texas politicians are happy to do it for you. Those who voted against the federal health care bill weren’t worried about death panels; they just didn’t want to abandon their state-of-the-art, citizen-killing health system. A whole quarter of the Texas population is uninsured.

We disagree with all of those who fought to make sure Texas didn’t secede from the Union. The U.S. would have been better off without you.