Editor’s Note: In the spirit of the University of Texas’ friendly rivalry with the University of Oklahoma, the editorial boards of The Daily Texan and The Oklahoma Daily have exchanged editorials. Read The Oklahoma Daily's editorial here.
Oh, Oklahoma, how we’ve missed you.
With all the Dallas-area t-shirt fans we used to split between us flocking to other programs with flashier ethics violations or hornier frogs, we’ve been a bit distracted from our program’s explicit purpose: reminding the world that OU sucks whenever and wherever the opportunity strikes.
Hating Oklahoma is a pleasure that we too often forget to enjoy. But it’s as natural as your state’s beer of choice, though nowhere near as lite.
Austin is one of the fastest growing cities in America, with a burgeoning tech scene. Normanites brag that there’s always something going on down in the trailerhood. Referring, of course, to tornadoes.
We fought for and won our independence from Mexico. Your state won its war on reason when Jim Inhofe brought a snowball to the Senate floor.
We’re responsible for Whataburger. You have, what, Sonic? Hobby Lobby?
Look, if Oklahoma were worth a damn, we would have gone there. We all had the chance. We also just had the good sense not to spend four years of our lives in a state where the Great Depression never really ended.
So on the eve of this 111th Red River Shootout, we thought it would be our job to remind you yet again that your football program — just like everything else underneath that fluorescent shitstain you call a state flag — is an embarrassment far beyond the scale that your population of beer-drinking horses should be forced to endure.
Over the past several years, we’ve foregone any attempt at fielding a competent football team to impart that lesson as humiliatingly as possible.
In 2013, we sent out a half-retired Mack Brown to coach a team led by the knockoff McCoy and a defense that couldn’t handle Utah’s founding grandfather, Taysom Hill. And we still pummeled you to the tune of 36-20.
In 2014, we hired the defensive coordinator from the Florida team that shellacked y’all in the 2009 title game, kicked a dozen or so players off the team for doing things that players get recruited to your school for doing and played the long game.
And last year, we alternated between a wide receiver and a bridge troll at
quarterback and made the pseudo-Heisman contender of a QB you swiped out from under Texas Tech’s well-defined jawlines look like Uncle Rico — or worse, Sam Bradford.
But this year, you’ve done all the hard work for us. Seriously. Letting a less-talented Houston team run a field goal back for a score to set them up to beat you? Genius. Having your back-up quarterback fire up the already elite Ohio State defense? A play right out of our book.
While others will blame y’all for developing a chronic case of Big Game Bob, we see right through that. You’re just stealing our strategy of Rubio-ing the expectations game.
The only problem with your plan is that you’re supposed to be good, and we’re not. We lost seven games last year! Even what was supposed to be our signature win against Notre Dame turned into nothing special after the Irish couldn’t even handle Duke’s JV lacrosse team on their home turf.
But while we’ve almost certainly improved since then, y’all have crumpled faster than that coach Blake Griffin knocked out. We beat you as a 17 point underdog last year, but now that we have a quarterback with a pulse, an offensive coordinator from the Tulsa team that lit you up last year and some decent recruits, we have no reason to think we can’t do it again.
And even if y’all do stagger into a win, we’ll probably just offer Houston coach Tom Herman an annual salary higher than Oklahoma’s GDP to replace Chuck.
With our expectations so low, we have nothing to lose. And with Bob Stoops having fooled your campus into thinking he’s a capable coach so recently, there’s almost no chance you leave his ass on a local dirt road in favor of a more recent model. Especially not when we’re still half a year away from Truck Month.
So as you make your annual trip into the finest state in the nation to get arrested discovering the wonders of high-speed internet and wet counties, we encourage you to think long and hard about the choices you’ve made. Oklahoma isn’t a choice you’re stuck with. Just ask Kevin Durant.
Or the U.S. Geological Survey. While monitoring your state’s bedrock foundation of limestone, cow chips and discarded Garth Brooks cassettes, the seismographs picked up an unmistakable signal — OU still sucks.