Editor’s Note: In the spirit of April Fool’s Day, all material appearing on the Opinion page today is satirical and meant in jest. The opinions expressed on this page are not meant to be taken literally.
Let’s make UT Great Again! Let’s do it. Okay? Okay! SG does not win at anything. It sucks! The new student body president will win so much, we will get tired of winning.
Now, this may sound impossible. And maybe it is. How, exactly, do we win so much that we grow tired of it? In 2005, our football team won every single game until Vince Young brought home the roses. Did we get tired of winning then? I don’t think so.
In 2013, this University defeated Abigail Fisher at the Supreme Court. All we did was win. And did we get tired? Not yet.
This year, however, in the great and glorious year 2016, winning will grow tiresome to us. We will win so much that it will hurt. It will hurt all of you. But first, we have to become great again.
When, exactly, did we stop being great? The date that instantly comes to mind for me is January 22, 2014. That is the day in which a real Grade-A loser named Noah Horwitz first started penning trash for this newspaper.
But enough about that paid shill for Big Statue. We have bigger things to worry about. Like how we win again.
I, for one, think that we need to build a wall. Where should this wall be, you might ask? I’m not completely sure. We will work out the details at a later time. Maybe somewhere near the Red River. But that’s not important. What is important is that this wall is going to be huge. No, scratch that; it’s not going to be huge. It’s going to be yuuuuuuuuge.
Accordingly, University of Oklahoma is going to pay for the wall. I promise you this. I really do. Whenever we figure out where the wall is going, OU President David Boren is going to get the bill. If he refuses the first time, the wall will get higher. If he uses a nasty, nasty word, it doubles in height. This I can assure.
Now, some people want to take a different approach to making UT Great Again. (Or, for that matter, making something else Great Again.) Demagogues seek to divide us with fear and racial prejudices. Under the guise of unity, xenophobia fractures us more than anything else.
Some say we need to return to a racist past to make us Great Again. Perhaps that would be resurrecting the Jefferson Davis statue. Perhaps, as Fisher keeps begging, affirmative action should be done away with, causing this university to become less diverse when the state it represents is heading in the opposite direction.
The truth is that UT doesn’t need to be made Great Again. We never stopped being that way. Unity, diversity and a common belief that OU SUCKS is really what we’re about, not bigotry disguised as nostalgia.
Horowitz is a government senior from Houston. Follow him on Twitter @NmHorwitz