Left. Left. Right. Left. This dance is familiar to almost all Tinder users — a chance at love controlled by the power of a swipe. However, the match-making app lacks variety, and Tinder personalities become as repetitive as a Katy Perry album.
Tinder is a superficial, vapid pit of lonely hearts. Tinder enthusiasts control the choice of potential partners by swiping left or right based on one quality: attractiveness. A swipe right for the blonde with cute dimples, left for the stringy-haired teen with bushy eyebrows.
It’s no surprise that ephemeral relationships are made and lost — only to be remembered by the occasional, drunken “heeyy” every week or so. The app, much like Frodo’s ring, changes a once-seemingly wonderful person into an unrecognizable Gollum-like creature.
Bio: Most likely some health quote with an unnecessary amount of exclamation points followed by a few “:) :).”
The most identifiable of the stereotypes — the hipsters. Their pictures are bound to have at least three elements: nature, animals and soft lighting. Don’t be surprised by a candid shot of them in a café, a snapshot with a guitar or the mandatory cat picture. Swipe right if you’re looking for someone to fill your Tinder Moments with pics of lattes and marijuana.
Bio: Mention of interest in film and music. Also, some random hobby that involves plants or wildlife. Owner of an animal. Maybe #420friendly. “Pisces. Leos, stay away.” Gag.
The Fitness Guru
A simple warning: Planning on becoming a Tinderfella/Tinderina can lead to disappointment from the same five people. Here are the culprits’ descriptions to help avoid deception or heartbreak.
It’s not a mystery. This person goes to the gym. You can tell by scrolling through their several pictures featuring heavy shadows on monstrous biceps and chiseled abs. The people in the pictures may not be smiling, but, based on the amount of selfies in their gallery, it’s clear they’re more than happy with themselves. Good luck competing with their mirror for attention.
The Stage Five
The accidental swipe. Most identifiable by the triple message five minutes after the match occurred.
“Ur really cute :)”
“How are you???????”
This is only the beginning. More messages are bound to follow with a variety of emotions. At first, happiness, immediately followed by desperation and ending in frustration and an “unfollowing.” This process can last from 10 minutes to five weeks. Be careful. Responding with anything is enough to fuel a Stage Five into planning a full-fledged, grand-scale wedding.
Bio: “Not 21, actually 17. Oops. Just looking for friends!! Don’t be afraid to message first :)! Class of 2019”
The Tinder Ghost
Coming from the opposite side of the spectrum: the users who Tinder without a keyboard. Don’t bother continuing to message these cuties. They are too preoccupied swiping right and waiting on the messages to pile in their inbox. The Ghosts are the most useless matches on Tinder. It’s okay if you sent the first message. We’ve all been there.
Bio: Height. School. Job. “Don’t ask if I’m a bot.”
It’s a Rihannaean truth: Sometimes we find love in a hopeless place. The One will give you butterflies, send shivers to your toes and make the world seem a little cozier. Enjoy this one while it lasts. It may end in an accidental one-night stand or maybe a failed attempt for meeting at Mozart’s. Either way, cherish the mistakes and memories.
Bio: Mention of your favorite movie. Favorite food. Snapchat handle. Interests will vary.