It's so hard to be hetero

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OK, I can’t take it anymore. It’s time that I just get this out of my system and let the world know my true feelings so that I can finally be at peace.

I’m straight.

Whew, I feel so much better now.

Being a straight male in college is a very difficult thing, and oftentimes I feel like there is absolutely nobody I can relate to.
Fortunately, on April 1, the Texas House of Representatives intervened. The House passed a budget provision requiring all state universities receiving taxpayer funds that support on-campus gender and sexuality centers to construct “family values centers,” as well. According to Rep. Wayne Christian, who authored the amendment, the new centers will advocate for heterosexual, traditional values. The amendment stipulates that the amount of funding appropriated to a traditional family values center on a campus cannot be any less than what is appropriated to “support a gender and sexuality center or other center for students focused on gay, lesbian, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, transsexual, transgender, gender questioning or other gender identity issues” on college campuses in Texas.

While it goes without saying, Wayne Christian is nothing short of a modern day hero for sticking up for heterosexual lifestyles on college campuses. As a straight male at a large public university, there are very few support networks to guide me towards a lifestyle that the Bible — I mean — the state deems acceptable.

One could argue that this amendment is little more than a state-mandated slap in the face to the GLBTQ community at the taxpayers’ expense and that it serves as nothing more than political posturing by the Republican majority in the Texas Legislature, which claims that slashing the budget is a priority but at the same time is willing to give funding to blatantly wasteful ideology-driven projects. You could argue that, but that would fail to account for how difficult it is to be a straight college student in 2011.

Just last weekend, I approached a girl at a bar and asked her if she would care to practice being heterosexual with me, and I was outright refused. I was left embarrassed about my sexuality with no government-funded campus building to turn to. It’s difficult to escape the societal pressure on me to be gay.

I came to college with the same plan as most other men: to meet a wife who will stay at home, cook dinner and have two and a half children with me. Let’s see Lady Gaga write a song about that for a change. This amendment is right on target — traditional is just better.

But unfortunately, it’s so easy to lose sight of the strong Christian — I mean family values that have guided this country throughout its history. With all the funding and attention given to the GLBTQ communities on college campuses, heterosexuals are seemingly forgotten. It would be so refreshing to have a place on campus that could remind me of what the dominant ideology in American society is.

Although the UT College of Liberal Arts was recently forced to eliminate all funding to the Center for Russian, Eastern European and Eurasian Studies, the Center for East Asian Studies and the Humanities Institute on campus because of budget cuts, it’s nice that the Legislature realizes what does deserve funding. This is America and times are tough. That means we need to invest more in learning about ourselves and less in learning about anyone different from us, especially commies.

Once again, I’d like to applaud members of the Texas House of Representatives for their bravery in supporting the creation of traditional family values centers on Texas campuses. It will be so refreshing to have a place at UT where I will have a support network to help me cope with the difficulties of being heterosexual.

Now the hard part will be finding someone to oversee all the new centers.

I heard Glenn Beck is free.